A Journey of Discipline

Do what I say! How does that make you feel?
It has been an interesting journey working with other people's children over the last 20 years. I have seen first hand the ebb and flow of the latest trends in child rearing and the consequences they create. Not all the advice presented by "experts" is good advice. It has also been interesting to see how the parents are functioning as adults having grown up in some of these trends.

Most of the advice has to do with the level and type of discipline. Ahh the "D" word. What adult doesn't have some aspect of their life that they wish they were more disciplined at. I know I do. Discipline is a foundational sin hold out for all humans. It is not inherently, uniquely a child issue. So how do you create an adult that grows up to be a well rounded, disciplined, functioning member of society?

Good question. I'm not going to throw another theory at you. I will say that the Word of God is clear. You cannot avoid disciplining your child or doing the hard work to teach them to be obedient people. This is a difficult but critical responsibility every parent must accept. You are not called to be their friend. There may be times they even hate you. That's okay. It is not a popularity contest it is an obligation that God has placed squarely on your back.

I think it helps to explore what level of obedience God requires of us and to help them find their way to that standard. Are we suppose to question God's plan for our lives? No. Should your children argue or question your authority when you instruct them to carry something out? No. It is important to expect obedience first. Then if the need exists, spend time talking about the why and connecting it to God's expectations of us after. I am reminded of a time my son would not obey me. In frustration and near tears I asked him why he didn't just do what I said? His answer, "I knew you were going to ask me 5 more times before you really meant it so I waited". Wow, what an eye opener. The Bible says let your yes be yes and your no be no. Mean what you say the first time. Don't train them to not take you seriously.

I am a big talker when it comes to my children. Having gone through the divorce and seeing how emotionally and psychologically hurt my kids were, I spent countless hours talking with them and helping them work through their feelings. However, what that also created in our house was an environment where there was always time to talk and negotiate. Discipline and obedience opportunities were difficult to execute because I had trained them to talk about everything. If they didn't like something or understand the why of it, we all slipped into discussion mode. Now there is nothing wrong with the concept just the timing. I wish I could go back and change that one factor. Obedience first (and immediately) talking second. If you don't hear anything else, hear that. What a difference it would have made.

When children learn to obey they learn to give up their own agenda for someone else. They learn to listen to an instruction and follow through with it. They learn how to be responsible, check back, and complete a task. In short, when children learn obedience, they not only make family life easier but they also develop the character that will make them more valuable in the work place, the community, and the world. In fact, learning to obey parents teaches kids what they need in order to obey God. (Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller)

Isn't that what we all want for our children?

Take it one day at a time. God is your co-parent and will assist you all along the way through His Holy Spirit. Accept your limitations and allow God to help you lean on Him and grow in the process. He wastes nothing.

Blessings to you all.
Brenda

A Child or a Masterful Litagator?

Obey First and Then We'll Talk About It

When parents give an instruction but children don't want to comply or it's not convenient for them, sometimes they need to learn to "obey first and then we'll talk about it." This emphasizes obedience.

If little Brian has pulled a chair over to the counter and is climbing onto it, you may say, "Brian, we don’t climb on chairs.""But I was just…""No, you need to get down. Obey first and then we'll talk about it." Once he gets down, discuss the problem and find a solution together."Karl, go get your pajamas on.""I don't want to go to bed.""No, obey first and then we'll talk about it."

To some parents this may sound like blind obedience. We've all heard stories about people who were led into cultish activity because they couldn't think for themselves. No parent wants a child to fall into a pattern of blindly following a leader's instructions, but evaluating instructions is an advanced skill. Many parents have gone too far in the other direction ending up with children who can't follow simple instructions without a dialogue.

Parents sometimes believe they have to talk their child into wanting to obey. Inadvertently, these parents teach their children that if you don't like a request then that's enough reason to resist it. These children make poor employees, develop selfish attitudes about following someone else's leadership, and have a difficult time in relationships because they haven't learned how to sacrifice their own agenda for others.

Talking is important but sometimes even we, as adults, must obey first and then understand later. God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son without fully understanding and then considered it faith for him to obey. Peter didn't know why he was to go to Cornelius' house but went anyway only to discover that God wanted to bring salvation to the Gentiles. Philip was asked to leave a revival in Samaria and go out into the wilderness, not knowing why, but when he got there he led an Ethiopian man to Christ.

Evaluating instructions is an advanced skill and will become important later on but children need to learn that sometimes we all must "obey first and then we'll talk about it.

"This parenting tip comes from the book Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

___________________________

I am guilty of the latter. I spent countless hours discussing matters with my children. What I created were well informed litigators. The wisdom of this parenting tip is one I would go back in time and heed. I still firmly believe that it is imperative to connect the why you do it to the what you do. Dialogue and pulling them into God's Word for truth is invaluable. However, the simple act of placing that second in the order of things is the key. Obedience is the cornerstone of ever Christian's relationship with God. Help them learn it early and not only will you have an easier teenager but a young adult with a clear understanding of boundaries, obedience and their role in their relationship to God, the church, and others.

This is one tip you should start today!

Blessings to you all.

Brenda