Understanding Attitudes and How To Change Them
"Attitude" is a shorthand term used to summarize many different feelings, thoughts, and behaviors all at the same time. Various triggers provoke attitudes and simply hearing a word or seeing a signal can change a person's perspective. All Mom has to do is say Derek?! with that certain voice, for instance, and Derek knows she is going to ask him to do something. He responds with a disgusted groan.
Victoria gets to school and sees a pink slip taped to her locker again. She doesn't even read it but rolls her eyes and moans, knowing that it's a call to the office. Triggers like these quickly move people into attitudes that in part determine how they’ll respond to a situation.
Attitudes actually have three components: behavior, emotion, and beliefs. Each of these components can be useful in the change process. The behavior is the flag that tells you there’s a problem. Emotion adds energy to the situation and helps to determine when’s the best time to address the issue, and the beliefs tell you what needs to be addressed on a heart level.
Many parents only focus on the first component, behavior, telling kids to "stop pouting," or "Don't roll your eyes at me." Furthermore, these parents tend to focus only on what not to do instead of what the child should do. It usually isn't helpful just to tell a child to "Stop having a bad attitude" without giving more guidance for developing a better response.
Remember that the goal of discipline is not just to make your children less annoying. As you correct your children for bad attitudes, you are preparing them for the future. After all, they will experience similar situations continually throughout their lives.
Look for ways to help your children think differently. Listening carefully to your child can help you identify thinking errors that lead to a bad attitude. What hidden belief might Jeremy, age ten, have? He complains and argues when you ask him to do the dishes? Maybe he believes, "Chores are an interruption to my life and not my responsibility." If pressed, he may also reveal a belief, "All work is hard and unpleasant, and I must try to avoid it." A positive attitude about work comes from several new values such as "Work is necessary in order to brings benefits to me and to others" and "My contribution to family life is a statement of gratefulness for what I have."
Changing attitudes requires exposure to new ways of thinking. You can provoke your children to more healthy attitudes through dialogue, modeling, and correction. But remember, heart change takes time. We can change behavior quickly, but heart change goes deeper and lasts longer.
Have you discovered ways to adjust attitudes in your children, or even in yourself? Share what works for you.
Excerpt from http://www.biblicalparenting.org/.
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Think about all the times you have been ignored in your feelings or misunderstood. You discover faulty thinking and training as an adult and wish someone had taught you the truth earlier. Still many others of you still have faulty thinking about some issues. Now is your child's time to set out on the right path with a clear understanding of correct attitudes and perspectives on the issues of life.
Take the time to observe and respond to your child's behaviors instead of just reacting. Don't perpetuate the problem, be part of God's hand in setting it straight. If you have a recurring problem with your child, take a step back and ask yourself or them what is really going on. Ask an outside observer to offer their insight. Sometimes we are too close to a situation to see the answer, but whatever you do don't ignore it.
May God grant you wisdom and peace as you parent your children today.
Brenda
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Loving the Unlovable - GET REAL!
No matter where life takes us it is clear that the Lord craves to go with us. Each life we walk past is experiencing a day we can't understand fully. When you are cut off on the road and an irritation wells within you, did that person just learn of horrible news. Have they just experienced a bombardment of events making your presence on the road with him invisible? We can't walk in everyone's shoes, but we can live a life that reflects the mercy and forgiveness we have all been blessed with through Christ. Be slow to anger, give and given mercy, forgive, live in peace, fret not. The Word of God is filled with a call to love and care for even those that are hard to care for.
How do we help children understand what is hard for many adults to grasp? By living out our faith with reality. Share the challenges you experience with loving the unlovable. Ask for forgiveness in front of your children. Be with them as you ask the Lord to give you a heart that can love those that are hurtful. Do the same for them as they battle with their emotions and encounter tough people. This is a life journey. You will not raise a perfect loving child. But if you show them humility and a need to lay all at the feet of God, you give them the tools to build with.
God is faithful. All we can do is live out our humanness in a real way. Don't try to be superman or superwoman. Share what is appropriate and let them know that you need God just as they do. Your journey will be the richer for it. (as a side note: Don't share really serious issues with children to young to process them. Children count on you for their security. Bring things down to an appropriate level. )
May God bless you as you live in truth before your children and share ---His "commandments that He gives you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. Deut 6:6-9
Brenda
How do we help children understand what is hard for many adults to grasp? By living out our faith with reality. Share the challenges you experience with loving the unlovable. Ask for forgiveness in front of your children. Be with them as you ask the Lord to give you a heart that can love those that are hurtful. Do the same for them as they battle with their emotions and encounter tough people. This is a life journey. You will not raise a perfect loving child. But if you show them humility and a need to lay all at the feet of God, you give them the tools to build with.
God is faithful. All we can do is live out our humanness in a real way. Don't try to be superman or superwoman. Share what is appropriate and let them know that you need God just as they do. Your journey will be the richer for it. (as a side note: Don't share really serious issues with children to young to process them. Children count on you for their security. Bring things down to an appropriate level. )
May God bless you as you live in truth before your children and share ---His "commandments that He gives you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. Deut 6:6-9
Brenda
Monday, February 8, 2010
The Devil Made Me Do IT!
The Conscience and the Holy Spirit
The heart contains a number of internal prompters but some of them lead children in the wrong direction. For example, the heart contains emotions, but sometimes those emotions prompt children to act inappropriately. The heart contains desires but when those desires are wrong we call them temptations.
God has placed two governors in the heart to guide the internal motivations of a person. Those two governors are the conscience and the Holy Spirit. The conscience is a part of the heart. The Holy Spirit is a person. The conscience can prompt children to do right or avoid wrong, but the Holy Spirit can empower them to change.
As you help children develop a strong conscience you’re making them more aware of internal promptings. In doing so, you’ll be preparing them to learn to listen to the voice of God in their lives.
We have no record of the conscience speaking in the Bible. Instead, it feels good or bad, but the Holy Spirit does speak. Children can learn to listen to the voice of God in their lives. How does God speak to a child? Through his Word, through an internal sense of peace, through prayer, and even through parents.
Talk to your kids about the internal prompters. When you do, help them to know what to do with those promptings. Just because you feel like doing something, doesn’t make it right. We must always check our hearts against the scriptures. That’s the only way to know what is truly the right thing to do.
This tip comes to you from http://www.biblicalparenting.org/
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When you talk through what a child feels, and you identify what they are feeling as a temptation, help them to identify what triggers that temptation and to create steps to avoid it or flee from it. Children can eventually construct this level of reason themselves, but until then, clear and concise identification and steps to get through something is needed. Be on the look out for teachable moments and take advantage of them.
Some good memory verses for them to use are:
Mark 14:38 Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
James1: 13-14 When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.
Enjoy your kids.
Brenda
The heart contains a number of internal prompters but some of them lead children in the wrong direction. For example, the heart contains emotions, but sometimes those emotions prompt children to act inappropriately. The heart contains desires but when those desires are wrong we call them temptations.
God has placed two governors in the heart to guide the internal motivations of a person. Those two governors are the conscience and the Holy Spirit. The conscience is a part of the heart. The Holy Spirit is a person. The conscience can prompt children to do right or avoid wrong, but the Holy Spirit can empower them to change.
As you help children develop a strong conscience you’re making them more aware of internal promptings. In doing so, you’ll be preparing them to learn to listen to the voice of God in their lives.
We have no record of the conscience speaking in the Bible. Instead, it feels good or bad, but the Holy Spirit does speak. Children can learn to listen to the voice of God in their lives. How does God speak to a child? Through his Word, through an internal sense of peace, through prayer, and even through parents.
Talk to your kids about the internal prompters. When you do, help them to know what to do with those promptings. Just because you feel like doing something, doesn’t make it right. We must always check our hearts against the scriptures. That’s the only way to know what is truly the right thing to do.
This tip comes to you from http://www.biblicalparenting.org/
___________________________________________________________
When you talk through what a child feels, and you identify what they are feeling as a temptation, help them to identify what triggers that temptation and to create steps to avoid it or flee from it. Children can eventually construct this level of reason themselves, but until then, clear and concise identification and steps to get through something is needed. Be on the look out for teachable moments and take advantage of them.
Some good memory verses for them to use are:
Mark 14:38 Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
James1: 13-14 When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.
Enjoy your kids.
Brenda
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Waves of Worry or Peace Like a River
Hello Dear Families
I am a pretty peaceful person. I tend to live in the today and rarely worry, as my close friends can attest too. However, there are times when I worry about my kids. Is that okay? Is that an understandable and acceptable state of mind with God? The human side of me would be the first to say, "Oh that is normal, it goes with the territory." However, the Word of God says something different. Philippians 4:6 says "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God."
It doesn't say be anxious for nothing except your kids, or your parenting failures, or their failures. It says be anxious for nothing!
What do you do then when you are hit with a wave of worry for your child? Well the answer lies in the second half of the verse. ("but in Everything by prayer and supplication")Supplication means : 1.To ask for humbly or earnestly, as by praying; 2.To make a humble entreaty to; beseech. That is where those intense emotions of fear, worry and anxiety go. They need to poured out in our prayers to God on behalf of our child. We need to recognize that God's original design for us as parents was not to live in our worry. He does not bring the fear. He gives us a way out. The words earnestly, entreaty and beseech in the definition of this word share the intensity of our state of mind when we are doing the praying. We can't stop the waves of worry. We can Biblically handle them with God's help.
The interesting part of this verse in Philippians ends with "with thanksgiving". So not only are we not to claim the fear and worry as normal and acceptable, we are to take it with all its waves of intensity and give it over to the Lord, knowing that He will hear us and answer our prayer. Be thankful for His perfect will in your life and the lives of your children, even when trial comes. In James 1:2-4 we learn that all things, even trials, come together to perfect us and our children. Count is all JOY.
Now I know this is easier said then done, but what choice do we have? Fear and anxiety rob us of our sound mind and leads us to poor thinking and irrational actions. If we are going to win the battle of the spiritual forces against us and our children, then we need to be armed for that battle with God. Matthew 6:24-34 talks about how little we can actually control in our life, but more beautifully, it speaks to the tender loving kindness of our God who will provide for us all that we need. The sooner we accept this the sooner we will find peace that only comes from releasing and surrendering wholly to God. He loves your kids more than you do. He has the hairs on their head counted. Allow Him to work out His plan for them. Now I say this as someone who continues to have to lay this back down at the altar of God. Join me in releasing our worry, fear and anxiety over to our Lord.
May the peace that surpasses all human understanding be with you today.
Brenda
I am a pretty peaceful person. I tend to live in the today and rarely worry, as my close friends can attest too. However, there are times when I worry about my kids. Is that okay? Is that an understandable and acceptable state of mind with God? The human side of me would be the first to say, "Oh that is normal, it goes with the territory." However, the Word of God says something different. Philippians 4:6 says "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God."
It doesn't say be anxious for nothing except your kids, or your parenting failures, or their failures. It says be anxious for nothing!
What do you do then when you are hit with a wave of worry for your child? Well the answer lies in the second half of the verse. ("but in Everything by prayer and supplication")Supplication means : 1.To ask for humbly or earnestly, as by praying; 2.To make a humble entreaty to; beseech. That is where those intense emotions of fear, worry and anxiety go. They need to poured out in our prayers to God on behalf of our child. We need to recognize that God's original design for us as parents was not to live in our worry. He does not bring the fear. He gives us a way out. The words earnestly, entreaty and beseech in the definition of this word share the intensity of our state of mind when we are doing the praying. We can't stop the waves of worry. We can Biblically handle them with God's help.
The interesting part of this verse in Philippians ends with "with thanksgiving". So not only are we not to claim the fear and worry as normal and acceptable, we are to take it with all its waves of intensity and give it over to the Lord, knowing that He will hear us and answer our prayer. Be thankful for His perfect will in your life and the lives of your children, even when trial comes. In James 1:2-4 we learn that all things, even trials, come together to perfect us and our children. Count is all JOY.
Now I know this is easier said then done, but what choice do we have? Fear and anxiety rob us of our sound mind and leads us to poor thinking and irrational actions. If we are going to win the battle of the spiritual forces against us and our children, then we need to be armed for that battle with God. Matthew 6:24-34 talks about how little we can actually control in our life, but more beautifully, it speaks to the tender loving kindness of our God who will provide for us all that we need. The sooner we accept this the sooner we will find peace that only comes from releasing and surrendering wholly to God. He loves your kids more than you do. He has the hairs on their head counted. Allow Him to work out His plan for them. Now I say this as someone who continues to have to lay this back down at the altar of God. Join me in releasing our worry, fear and anxiety over to our Lord.
May the peace that surpasses all human understanding be with you today.
Brenda
Monday, January 25, 2010
Don't Hug me: Do the Dishes!
Good Morning and welcome to the beginning of a new week.
Every day we wake up and face the tasks and chores ahead of us. We will interact with our children dozens and dozens of times today. What language are you speaking. I know, that sounds like a stupid question, but it isn't. Gary Chapman wrote a few books on the 5 Languages of Love. He helped us to take a step back and assess how others feel loved.
Feeling loved is one of the most essential and primal needs we humans have. We know what works for us but do other people in your family know what your love language is? The following are the 5 Love Languages. Determine what yours is, as well as, each member of your family. Have a family meeting and make sure everyone knows what the other's love language is. Make it a family project to show love to each member of the family using their love language. What a difference it will make in how everyone feels. It works. Give it a try.
The five different love languages are:
Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
Every day we wake up and face the tasks and chores ahead of us. We will interact with our children dozens and dozens of times today. What language are you speaking. I know, that sounds like a stupid question, but it isn't. Gary Chapman wrote a few books on the 5 Languages of Love. He helped us to take a step back and assess how others feel loved.
Feeling loved is one of the most essential and primal needs we humans have. We know what works for us but do other people in your family know what your love language is? The following are the 5 Love Languages. Determine what yours is, as well as, each member of your family. Have a family meeting and make sure everyone knows what the other's love language is. Make it a family project to show love to each member of the family using their love language. What a difference it will make in how everyone feels. It works. Give it a try.
The five different love languages are:
Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
For more on Gary Chapman's Books go to: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ He also has an assessment tool on his page to help you figure out your own love language.
Here is a link that gives suggestions on how to express each love language to children of different ages. At the bottom left of the page are the links for each love language and suggestions.
http://www.parentingideas.org/articles/behavior/why-i-chose-the-five-love-languages/
Enjoy your family today. Love them with the love that only can come from God.
Blessings
Brenda
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Commenting
I have had a few of you email that you want to leave comments but don't know how. All you have to do is click on 'Sign In'. This will prompt you to put in an email address and password. Put what email address you want to use and make a password. You can click the remember me button and then the 'Sign in' button. Once you click on this it will ask you a few more questions and then you are signed into the blog as a user. At this point you can go back to the blog and click on 'Comment' and you will be able to leave comments for everyone to respond to or read.
I look forward to all the wisdom and experience you all will share and we endeavor to raise our children in the Lord together.
Blessings
Brenda
I look forward to all the wisdom and experience you all will share and we endeavor to raise our children in the Lord together.
Blessings
Brenda
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Check your attitude at the door
Is your home a sanctuary or a battlefield? No matter what is going on in your family's world on the outside, once they walk through the door of your house there should be an understanding that this is a safe place. Help your children learn to affirm and not tear down. Help them understand the feelings of others in the family by putting themselves in the other person's shoes, emotionally. For instance, when one family member says something hurtful to another, you can ask that person how they would feel if that was said to them the same way.
Help your child, and all your family, understand that once they walk through that door, they can expect to be safe, loved, and affirmed. Even correction can be done in such a way as to help a child learn without feeling threatened. Remaining calm in body language and tone when discussing an offense will help your child focus on the wrong done and not immediately go to the defensive.
As parents we are the rudder that steers the ship. What we model sets the tone for the environment. Now granted siblings will be siblings, and sin nature is a factor. Help your children learn to resolve issues through calm conversations and compromise. Time to cool off may be essential in getting to this end, but modeling is the key. Give them words and tone to use in their negotiations. Help them discover compromise and peace is the expectation of your home.
Now times will come where evil will get a foothold in your home. I have had all 4 of my children freaking out at once and it was more than normal and stronger than normal. You will sense that something has infiltrated your home. When this happens you MUST do a prayer walk. Walk through the floors of your home and pray. Send satan packing. At night when all your children are asleep, go into their rooms and lay your hands on them. Pray protection from evil. I promise you this works. Satan will not stay in a home where he is being expelled in the name of Jesus.
Rest assured that raising your children in this day and age is a spiritual battle of monumental proportions. You serve the winner of this battle. Call on Him and His power regularly to defeat him who seeks to destroy your family.
God will prevail.
Blessings to you all.
Brenda
Help your child, and all your family, understand that once they walk through that door, they can expect to be safe, loved, and affirmed. Even correction can be done in such a way as to help a child learn without feeling threatened. Remaining calm in body language and tone when discussing an offense will help your child focus on the wrong done and not immediately go to the defensive.
As parents we are the rudder that steers the ship. What we model sets the tone for the environment. Now granted siblings will be siblings, and sin nature is a factor. Help your children learn to resolve issues through calm conversations and compromise. Time to cool off may be essential in getting to this end, but modeling is the key. Give them words and tone to use in their negotiations. Help them discover compromise and peace is the expectation of your home.
Now times will come where evil will get a foothold in your home. I have had all 4 of my children freaking out at once and it was more than normal and stronger than normal. You will sense that something has infiltrated your home. When this happens you MUST do a prayer walk. Walk through the floors of your home and pray. Send satan packing. At night when all your children are asleep, go into their rooms and lay your hands on them. Pray protection from evil. I promise you this works. Satan will not stay in a home where he is being expelled in the name of Jesus.
Rest assured that raising your children in this day and age is a spiritual battle of monumental proportions. You serve the winner of this battle. Call on Him and His power regularly to defeat him who seeks to destroy your family.
God will prevail.
Blessings to you all.
Brenda
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