Hello dear families
I want to encourage you to parent intentionally. Life moves real fast these days and before you can blink your children are older and opportunities have passed you by. Helping children develop spiritually doesn't require a seminary degree or a teaching credential. The only requirement is to be observant and available and ready for teachable moments.
Watch for opportunities to connect what they are learning and feeling with God and His Holy Word. Spend some time thinking about your house rules. Why do they exist? What do you hope for your children to learn from them? Where did you get them? Taking things to the source and finding scripture to back them up helps children decide internally what their motivation is.
At some point obedience has to turn internal. It can't remain only because you say so. Connecting the 'what' they have to do to the 'why' they have to do it helps them develop their own values and self motivations. It puts disobedience squarely back into their lap and calls it sin. At some point this becomes a personal battle between them and the Lord and not defiance of you.
In doing this exercise you may discover you have rules that don't have any tangible purpose. If so, you need to decide where they came from and if they are of value. If not, lose them. We are all learning about ourselves as we raise our children. It is okay to refine yourself as you go.
Most of all, live out your life honestly before the Lord and your children. It is okay for them to see your need for a Savior, to see that you to sin and can ask for forgiveness. Just take the time to intentionally connect God's truth to your life and the lives of your children. They will sense that God is a real, living interactive part of your life. Routine and religious gestures fall short of really living out your life before them and your God.
Get real and get intentional.
Bless you all
Brenda
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Break Time not Time Out
Break Time not Time Out
As Parents it is our job to guide our children on how to handle their own emotions. One of the ways to do this is help them realize when they are out of control or unable to make good choices due to their emotions. Help them develop the habit of regrouping or taking a break. Help them with this by pointing out to them when they need to calm down and rethink the situation.
Allow the child to determine how much time they need to calm down. This is not a Time Out, or Punishment. This is a tool to help them manage themselves and their own sin nature more successfully. The focus needs to be on helping them realize that their current bad behavior is unproductive and destructive. They need to take ownership of their own self control and development.
Guiding them on the amount of time they take a break is directly connected to seeing how settled they are. Remind them that anger is something God tells us to deal with.
Ephesians 4:26
"In your anger do not sin" : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,
It is their journey not yours. When you get angry, model the same behavior to them as well as using the same terminology. We are our children's best teachers.
Most importantly, enjoy every day with your children. They are a gift from God and a blessing.
Brenda
As Parents it is our job to guide our children on how to handle their own emotions. One of the ways to do this is help them realize when they are out of control or unable to make good choices due to their emotions. Help them develop the habit of regrouping or taking a break. Help them with this by pointing out to them when they need to calm down and rethink the situation.
Allow the child to determine how much time they need to calm down. This is not a Time Out, or Punishment. This is a tool to help them manage themselves and their own sin nature more successfully. The focus needs to be on helping them realize that their current bad behavior is unproductive and destructive. They need to take ownership of their own self control and development.
Guiding them on the amount of time they take a break is directly connected to seeing how settled they are. Remind them that anger is something God tells us to deal with.
Ephesians 4:26
"In your anger do not sin" : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,
It is their journey not yours. When you get angry, model the same behavior to them as well as using the same terminology. We are our children's best teachers.
Most importantly, enjoy every day with your children. They are a gift from God and a blessing.
Brenda
Monday, May 24, 2010
Connect Like Legos
Connect Like Legos
Anyone who has ever tried to take a lego structure apart understands that they do one thing really well. They connect! Wouldn't it be great if our relationships with our children were that strong. No matter if it is for fun or coming in for a crash, our strong connections can get us through it all.
Connecting with a child is easier for some and harder for others. Parents and kids have different personalities,likes and dislikes. With some kids, connecting takes real creativity and persistence. Here are some ways to help you connect with your child's heart.
Anyone who has ever tried to take a lego structure apart understands that they do one thing really well. They connect! Wouldn't it be great if our relationships with our children were that strong. No matter if it is for fun or coming in for a crash, our strong connections can get us through it all.
Connecting with a child is easier for some and harder for others. Parents and kids have different personalities,likes and dislikes. With some kids, connecting takes real creativity and persistence. Here are some ways to help you connect with your child's heart.
- Talking. Children often like to hear stories from your own childhood. Don't feel like you have to tie a lesson into the story. Just tell it to them as if you were relating the details to a friend.
- Listen to your kids. You have heard me say this before. Take an interest in their activities and their day. Once they start talking, draw them out with more questions.
- Touching. A hug or a gentle hand on a should communicates warmth and love.
- High-energy activities. Kids love excitement. Look for exciting activities to enjoy together.
- Look for ways to share your child's interests.
- give occasional special treats.
- Find a task and work together as a team.
- Offer genuine praise for a job will done.
- Have fun with your kids. Be silly, tell jokes, or wrestle.
- New times in a child's life set the stage to connect emotionally. Be there and available to share the moment.
- Traumatic events provide opportunities to develop closeness. Remember that the most important thing isn't fixing the problem, it's restoring the heart.
- Be sure to share how God fits into everything you do. Help them connect with God in a tangible way. Remind them of how good things come from Him and He is with us in times of trouble. Challenge yourself this week to find a scripture that connects with each suggestion above. When these opportunities come up, share the Word of God with your child to help them apply God's Word to their lives in a meaningful way. Deut 6:6-9.
Most important of all is to just enjoy your kids. Everyday will not be wondrous. There will be those days when your tired or fed up. We have to remember that even in the challenging days we can grow closer to our children. Be real. Kids can spot a hypocrite a mile away. They will not do what you say, they will do what they see you do. Make the effort and model connecting with each other. The return on your investment now will reap rewards for your children and all the lives they touch.
Have a blessed day.
Brenda
Some of the above suggestions came out of the book, Parenting is Heart Work by Dr, Scott Turansky. I have not read the book so I can't recommend it one way or the other. This was in part a parenting tip from 'biblicalparenting.org'.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Fast Food Spirituality
Hello Families,
It has been interesting interacting with my mother as she needs more and more assistance with normal life. I think of how she parented me and taught me through words and modeling to be loving and selfless. I wonder about the children being raised today in a world that promotes self absorption. How will they respond to parents in need in their later years in life?
It is important to get your children involved with selfless acts as young as possible. We all know how it feels when we give of ourselves without expecting anything in return. The Lord provides us with a sense of love and purpose that far exceeds any tangible reward. Children void of these opportunities will steadily become more hardened to offering themselves as vessels of blessing from the Lord.
How old will your children be when you hit the age of needing their help? How willing do you think they will be to be there for you? Any of you taking care of aging parents now understand what this could entail. We want our children to contribute to society, the Lord, and their family with a willing and servant's heart. How do you foster this?
This has to happen twofold. First you must find opportunities for your child to serve others without tangible reward. God will take care of the reward and it will be internal and eternal. Contact the church and ask to speak to the pastor over the seniors. Perhaps there are those in our congregation that need their lawn cared for or trash taken out. Perhaps they just need a visit and an opportunity to be listened to or read too. Bring them cookies or offer to cook them a meal. Find a neighbor in your community that could use some help. Start them as young as possible so giving of themselves becomes automatic.
The second thing you need to do is delay gratification. We live in a world that has programed us to get what we want as quickly as possible (fast food, 4G phones, ebay, overnight delivery, etc.) Children these days hear the message over and over that they deserve what they want and as quickly as possible. One of the deadliest things for a child's journey with the Lord is to see Him more as a vending machine. Request something and expect it to be provided right away. Anyone who has been a Christian for very long knows that waiting on God's perfect timing can sometimes take awhile. Children who are use to getting what they want right away struggle with this aspect of spiritual development. They give up on a God who must not be real or doesn't care because they didn't get what they wanted right away from Him. Help them understand that our purpose on this earth is to serve not to be served.
This has already become a trend among adults. More and more people are walking away from the giving of their time volunteering in the church, because it impacts their personal wants or pursuits. They rob themselves of the higher reward of God's blessing and the spiritual maturity and growth that goes on as a result of serving and volunteering.
Deliberately set up opportunities regularly for your family to serve others. You will instill in yourself and them a habit of service that will help you all grow closer as a family and further God's purposes for your lives at the same time.
Remember, those kids will be taking care of you some day, or will they?
Food for thought.
Brenda
It has been interesting interacting with my mother as she needs more and more assistance with normal life. I think of how she parented me and taught me through words and modeling to be loving and selfless. I wonder about the children being raised today in a world that promotes self absorption. How will they respond to parents in need in their later years in life?
It is important to get your children involved with selfless acts as young as possible. We all know how it feels when we give of ourselves without expecting anything in return. The Lord provides us with a sense of love and purpose that far exceeds any tangible reward. Children void of these opportunities will steadily become more hardened to offering themselves as vessels of blessing from the Lord.
How old will your children be when you hit the age of needing their help? How willing do you think they will be to be there for you? Any of you taking care of aging parents now understand what this could entail. We want our children to contribute to society, the Lord, and their family with a willing and servant's heart. How do you foster this?
This has to happen twofold. First you must find opportunities for your child to serve others without tangible reward. God will take care of the reward and it will be internal and eternal. Contact the church and ask to speak to the pastor over the seniors. Perhaps there are those in our congregation that need their lawn cared for or trash taken out. Perhaps they just need a visit and an opportunity to be listened to or read too. Bring them cookies or offer to cook them a meal. Find a neighbor in your community that could use some help. Start them as young as possible so giving of themselves becomes automatic.
The second thing you need to do is delay gratification. We live in a world that has programed us to get what we want as quickly as possible (fast food, 4G phones, ebay, overnight delivery, etc.) Children these days hear the message over and over that they deserve what they want and as quickly as possible. One of the deadliest things for a child's journey with the Lord is to see Him more as a vending machine. Request something and expect it to be provided right away. Anyone who has been a Christian for very long knows that waiting on God's perfect timing can sometimes take awhile. Children who are use to getting what they want right away struggle with this aspect of spiritual development. They give up on a God who must not be real or doesn't care because they didn't get what they wanted right away from Him. Help them understand that our purpose on this earth is to serve not to be served.
This has already become a trend among adults. More and more people are walking away from the giving of their time volunteering in the church, because it impacts their personal wants or pursuits. They rob themselves of the higher reward of God's blessing and the spiritual maturity and growth that goes on as a result of serving and volunteering.
Deliberately set up opportunities regularly for your family to serve others. You will instill in yourself and them a habit of service that will help you all grow closer as a family and further God's purposes for your lives at the same time.
Remember, those kids will be taking care of you some day, or will they?
Food for thought.
Brenda
Monday, April 5, 2010
Fade to Black
Hello Families,
The following is a song by Casting Crowns, called "Slow Fade". In my life this has been one of the foremost lessons I have given my children and reminded myself. Most of the time our descent away from God is so gradual that we wake up one day different people, not quit sure how we got here. Satan is crafty and will pull you and your children away from God one small step, one small compromise at a time. Read the lyrics of this song and assess your life. Most of this song talks about little feet, hands, eyes, etc, but is really speaking to us as adults with little ones watching our every move. The weight of our responsiblity is much greater now that we have not just ourselves to lose. Read each word and ask the Holy Spirit to search your heart. Make sure you remind your children that every day choices WILL move them either toward God or away from Him. Each decision counts. To guard their hearts. This is my prayer for you.
Casting Crowns
"Slow Fade"
Writer: Amy Sondova
Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade
Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day
(Sung by a child)
Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
A Child or a Masterful Litagator?
Obey First and Then We'll Talk About It
When parents give an instruction but children don't want to comply or it's not convenient for them, sometimes they need to learn to "obey first and then we'll talk about it." This emphasizes obedience.
If little Brian has pulled a chair over to the counter and is climbing onto it, you may say, "Brian, we don’t climb on chairs.""But I was just…""No, you need to get down. Obey first and then we'll talk about it." Once he gets down, discuss the problem and find a solution together."Karl, go get your pajamas on.""I don't want to go to bed.""No, obey first and then we'll talk about it."
To some parents this may sound like blind obedience. We've all heard stories about people who were led into cultish activity because they couldn't think for themselves. No parent wants a child to fall into a pattern of blindly following a leader's instructions, but evaluating instructions is an advanced skill. Many parents have gone too far in the other direction ending up with children who can't follow simple instructions without a dialogue.
Parents sometimes believe they have to talk their child into wanting to obey. Inadvertently, these parents teach their children that if you don't like a request then that's enough reason to resist it. These children make poor employees, develop selfish attitudes about following someone else's leadership, and have a difficult time in relationships because they haven't learned how to sacrifice their own agenda for others.
Talking is important but sometimes even we, as adults, must obey first and then understand later. God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son without fully understanding and then considered it faith for him to obey. Peter didn't know why he was to go to Cornelius' house but went anyway only to discover that God wanted to bring salvation to the Gentiles. Philip was asked to leave a revival in Samaria and go out into the wilderness, not knowing why, but when he got there he led an Ethiopian man to Christ.
Evaluating instructions is an advanced skill and will become important later on but children need to learn that sometimes we all must "obey first and then we'll talk about it.
"This parenting tip comes from the book Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
___________________________
I am guilty of the latter. I spent countless hours discussing matters with my children. What I created were well informed litigators. The wisdom of this parenting tip is one I would go back in time and heed. I still firmly believe that it is imperative to connect the why you do it to the what you do. Dialogue and pulling them into God's Word for truth is invaluable. However, the simple act of placing that second in the order of things is the key. Obedience is the cornerstone of ever Christian's relationship with God. Help them learn it early and not only will you have an easier teenager but a young adult with a clear understanding of boundaries, obedience and their role in their relationship to God, the church, and others.
This is one tip you should start today!
Blessings to you all.
Brenda
When parents give an instruction but children don't want to comply or it's not convenient for them, sometimes they need to learn to "obey first and then we'll talk about it." This emphasizes obedience.
If little Brian has pulled a chair over to the counter and is climbing onto it, you may say, "Brian, we don’t climb on chairs.""But I was just…""No, you need to get down. Obey first and then we'll talk about it." Once he gets down, discuss the problem and find a solution together."Karl, go get your pajamas on.""I don't want to go to bed.""No, obey first and then we'll talk about it."
To some parents this may sound like blind obedience. We've all heard stories about people who were led into cultish activity because they couldn't think for themselves. No parent wants a child to fall into a pattern of blindly following a leader's instructions, but evaluating instructions is an advanced skill. Many parents have gone too far in the other direction ending up with children who can't follow simple instructions without a dialogue.
Parents sometimes believe they have to talk their child into wanting to obey. Inadvertently, these parents teach their children that if you don't like a request then that's enough reason to resist it. These children make poor employees, develop selfish attitudes about following someone else's leadership, and have a difficult time in relationships because they haven't learned how to sacrifice their own agenda for others.
Talking is important but sometimes even we, as adults, must obey first and then understand later. God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son without fully understanding and then considered it faith for him to obey. Peter didn't know why he was to go to Cornelius' house but went anyway only to discover that God wanted to bring salvation to the Gentiles. Philip was asked to leave a revival in Samaria and go out into the wilderness, not knowing why, but when he got there he led an Ethiopian man to Christ.
Evaluating instructions is an advanced skill and will become important later on but children need to learn that sometimes we all must "obey first and then we'll talk about it.
"This parenting tip comes from the book Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
___________________________
I am guilty of the latter. I spent countless hours discussing matters with my children. What I created were well informed litigators. The wisdom of this parenting tip is one I would go back in time and heed. I still firmly believe that it is imperative to connect the why you do it to the what you do. Dialogue and pulling them into God's Word for truth is invaluable. However, the simple act of placing that second in the order of things is the key. Obedience is the cornerstone of ever Christian's relationship with God. Help them learn it early and not only will you have an easier teenager but a young adult with a clear understanding of boundaries, obedience and their role in their relationship to God, the church, and others.
This is one tip you should start today!
Blessings to you all.
Brenda
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
How Many Times Do I Have To Tell You??
Understanding Attitudes and How To Change Them
"Attitude" is a shorthand term used to summarize many different feelings, thoughts, and behaviors all at the same time. Various triggers provoke attitudes and simply hearing a word or seeing a signal can change a person's perspective. All Mom has to do is say Derek?! with that certain voice, for instance, and Derek knows she is going to ask him to do something. He responds with a disgusted groan.
Victoria gets to school and sees a pink slip taped to her locker again. She doesn't even read it but rolls her eyes and moans, knowing that it's a call to the office. Triggers like these quickly move people into attitudes that in part determine how they’ll respond to a situation.
Attitudes actually have three components: behavior, emotion, and beliefs. Each of these components can be useful in the change process. The behavior is the flag that tells you there’s a problem. Emotion adds energy to the situation and helps to determine when’s the best time to address the issue, and the beliefs tell you what needs to be addressed on a heart level.
Many parents only focus on the first component, behavior, telling kids to "stop pouting," or "Don't roll your eyes at me." Furthermore, these parents tend to focus only on what not to do instead of what the child should do. It usually isn't helpful just to tell a child to "Stop having a bad attitude" without giving more guidance for developing a better response.
Remember that the goal of discipline is not just to make your children less annoying. As you correct your children for bad attitudes, you are preparing them for the future. After all, they will experience similar situations continually throughout their lives.
Look for ways to help your children think differently. Listening carefully to your child can help you identify thinking errors that lead to a bad attitude. What hidden belief might Jeremy, age ten, have? He complains and argues when you ask him to do the dishes? Maybe he believes, "Chores are an interruption to my life and not my responsibility." If pressed, he may also reveal a belief, "All work is hard and unpleasant, and I must try to avoid it." A positive attitude about work comes from several new values such as "Work is necessary in order to brings benefits to me and to others" and "My contribution to family life is a statement of gratefulness for what I have."
Changing attitudes requires exposure to new ways of thinking. You can provoke your children to more healthy attitudes through dialogue, modeling, and correction. But remember, heart change takes time. We can change behavior quickly, but heart change goes deeper and lasts longer.
Have you discovered ways to adjust attitudes in your children, or even in yourself? Share what works for you.
Excerpt from http://www.biblicalparenting.org/.
___________________________________________________________
Think about all the times you have been ignored in your feelings or misunderstood. You discover faulty thinking and training as an adult and wish someone had taught you the truth earlier. Still many others of you still have faulty thinking about some issues. Now is your child's time to set out on the right path with a clear understanding of correct attitudes and perspectives on the issues of life.
Take the time to observe and respond to your child's behaviors instead of just reacting. Don't perpetuate the problem, be part of God's hand in setting it straight. If you have a recurring problem with your child, take a step back and ask yourself or them what is really going on. Ask an outside observer to offer their insight. Sometimes we are too close to a situation to see the answer, but whatever you do don't ignore it.
May God grant you wisdom and peace as you parent your children today.
Brenda
"Attitude" is a shorthand term used to summarize many different feelings, thoughts, and behaviors all at the same time. Various triggers provoke attitudes and simply hearing a word or seeing a signal can change a person's perspective. All Mom has to do is say Derek?! with that certain voice, for instance, and Derek knows she is going to ask him to do something. He responds with a disgusted groan.
Victoria gets to school and sees a pink slip taped to her locker again. She doesn't even read it but rolls her eyes and moans, knowing that it's a call to the office. Triggers like these quickly move people into attitudes that in part determine how they’ll respond to a situation.
Attitudes actually have three components: behavior, emotion, and beliefs. Each of these components can be useful in the change process. The behavior is the flag that tells you there’s a problem. Emotion adds energy to the situation and helps to determine when’s the best time to address the issue, and the beliefs tell you what needs to be addressed on a heart level.
Many parents only focus on the first component, behavior, telling kids to "stop pouting," or "Don't roll your eyes at me." Furthermore, these parents tend to focus only on what not to do instead of what the child should do. It usually isn't helpful just to tell a child to "Stop having a bad attitude" without giving more guidance for developing a better response.
Remember that the goal of discipline is not just to make your children less annoying. As you correct your children for bad attitudes, you are preparing them for the future. After all, they will experience similar situations continually throughout their lives.
Look for ways to help your children think differently. Listening carefully to your child can help you identify thinking errors that lead to a bad attitude. What hidden belief might Jeremy, age ten, have? He complains and argues when you ask him to do the dishes? Maybe he believes, "Chores are an interruption to my life and not my responsibility." If pressed, he may also reveal a belief, "All work is hard and unpleasant, and I must try to avoid it." A positive attitude about work comes from several new values such as "Work is necessary in order to brings benefits to me and to others" and "My contribution to family life is a statement of gratefulness for what I have."
Changing attitudes requires exposure to new ways of thinking. You can provoke your children to more healthy attitudes through dialogue, modeling, and correction. But remember, heart change takes time. We can change behavior quickly, but heart change goes deeper and lasts longer.
Have you discovered ways to adjust attitudes in your children, or even in yourself? Share what works for you.
Excerpt from http://www.biblicalparenting.org/.
___________________________________________________________
Think about all the times you have been ignored in your feelings or misunderstood. You discover faulty thinking and training as an adult and wish someone had taught you the truth earlier. Still many others of you still have faulty thinking about some issues. Now is your child's time to set out on the right path with a clear understanding of correct attitudes and perspectives on the issues of life.
Take the time to observe and respond to your child's behaviors instead of just reacting. Don't perpetuate the problem, be part of God's hand in setting it straight. If you have a recurring problem with your child, take a step back and ask yourself or them what is really going on. Ask an outside observer to offer their insight. Sometimes we are too close to a situation to see the answer, but whatever you do don't ignore it.
May God grant you wisdom and peace as you parent your children today.
Brenda
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