Melt away the meltdown

I just experienced the privilege of seeing a caring mom in action. Her child was being asked to do a routine thing that was overwhelming him. She knew his normal reaction to things and this was not normal. (Meltdown) With much prodding by others she started to force him through the situation. (Meltdown cont.) Within minutes she put an end to the pain and just was present and comfort for her child.

Don't you just have days where you can't deal with everyday things? So do children. Add a busy weekend of a child being drug around through lots of events and outings and you have a recipe for meltdown.

It isn't that our little ones can't handle a change in their routine. Shaking it up once in awhile is good for them. They need to learn to roll with things. However, it is important to remember that they have their limits. Be sensitive to when they have reached it. That is when the day becomes about them and not what is left to do.

The sensitivity, intuitiveness, and compassion you show your child when they can't cope on their own will make a huge impact on them. It is well worth missing whatever next thing is on the agenda to tend to what they really need. (You)

It might be good to mention here that it is possible to expect to much out of your child. We are so eager to give them every advantage that we overbook them and ourselves. Choose to do less and spend more time doing things at home. Decide as a Christian parent what priorities of your time you want to teach your kids. You have to model this message. You can't say they can't do a ton of things but you stay extremely busy. Weekend church and mid week Bible study/small group should be the top message. (God 1st)Most nights home with the family, message 2, (Family 2nd) pursuing passions/interests, message 3. (self/others 3rd) Balance your message. Put the message in the right order of importance.

Time flies so fast. Cherish your time as a family as much as you can.

Get Connected

Check out our improved webpage. Go to http://www.rollinghillscovenant.com/children to see all the new features. There is a color-coded room map to help people find classes for children, a preview of the coming parent E-newsletter, schedules and dates for Mom's day out, Parent's night out, and Club 56. The weekend lessons for September are available along with ideas that you can do with your children at home to reinforce them. There is even a simple format to follow for leading a child to Christ. This format can even be used by a child who wants to lead another child to the Lord.

It is our prayer that you will have all the opportunities and tools to be supported as you raise them up to be strong, mature children of God.

Please browse through our webpage and send me comments or emails on other features you would like to see or any problems you find. This is your ministry and your webpage. We want to make it as user friendly and informative as possible. We are here to serve you and your children.

Do you feel connected to other parents? Let us know what other opportunities you would like to see available. (Coffee break devotion time, fitness fellowship, etc)You can comment here or email me at bherrera@rhcc.net.

I look forward to hearing from you.
Brenda

Express Empathy

One of the ways to help children learn from life is to become their counselor or coach. Life is a great teacher and when it dishes out its lessons, you, as a parent, have a great opportunity to support, encourage, and coach your child to learn from the experience.

The key is to express empathy and validate the pain or disappointment your child is experiencing. Then, you can gently move into a suggestion mode if needed. For example, when the cat scratches your four-year-old son who is playing rough, don't just launch into a lecture. Instead say something like, "Ouch, I'll bet that hurt. It looks like he doesn't like rough play does he?"

Or when your eight-year-old daughter is hungry before dinner because she refused to eat lunch you might say, "I'll bet you're hungry. That's a long time to go without food."

If you leave out the empathy and just move into a lecture mode, children may react poorly. They may view your approach as condescending or cold and respond with defensiveness, anger, or hostility. Empathy communicates love; while at the same time allows the child to accept responsibility for the problem.

Empathy is a primary ingredient for partnership. Empathy reveals understanding and care. Empathy validates the emotions a child is experiencing even though the actions that come out of those emotions may need correction. Demonstrating your love while your child learns from experience can be one of the best ways to teach children lasting lessons about life.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is nothing. Letting our children learn for themselves is a painfull thing to watch. We want to protect them from everything. I can remember some of my most valuable lessons being the most painful. Do your own memory search. Do you think you were willing to learn that lesson from advise or lecture or was the process and the pain necessary for you to grow and change? I think both can be true, but God is the orchestrator. We are just 1st string.


This parenting tip comes from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
With final comments by Brenda Herrera

Connect your kids to God's Word

I have been listening to the audiobook of "Revolutionary Parenting" by George Barna. The entire source for data in this book was from interviews with parents of children who grew to be adult spiritual champions. There is much in this book to draw from. We all want our children to grow up to be adults that love the Lord and contribute to His kingdom in meaningful ways.

One of the topics explored was on Bible time between parents and kids throughout the week while they were growing up. What did the parents in this book reveal about their Bible study regiment with their kids?

They didn't have one! Many of them initially tried to follow Bible studies and daily devotions with little success. However, they intentionally found opportunities to take the events within the week and seek what God's Word had to say about it. This didn't happen every day, but the meaningful connection of life with the living, breathing Word of God had a profound affect on their children. Their children learned that it wasn't something to just do each day, but a interactive tool to use while seeking God in life events.

Seeking God daily in prayer and personal Bible study should still be the encouragement that is conveyed by parents to their children. Having them see you model this in your own quiet time is invaluable. Release yourself of the stress of not getting them to participate in a daily family devotion time. Instead seek out opportunities to go to the Word for wisdom when events and topics come up.

Children's Ministries has the weekend lessons posted on our webpage for all our classes on the weekend. Review these and look for opportunities to reinforce those lessons throughout the week. The more your child hears the same lessons applied in life the more it will be entrenched in their hearts. We offer suggestions on how to enrich and expand their lessons at home.

In addition, there will be take home activities for your kids that attend our Children's Bible Study night (LINKED) on Tuesday nights. Our 1st-6th graders will receive enrichment activities that they can do on their own or with your help. All these are tools to choose from. It is most important to simply pray for opportunities and allow the Lord to guide you as you guide your children to become Spiritual Champions.

Blessings to you all

Brenda

Down time

Today is my day off. My children are all grown, so now a day off is actually possible. It is near impossible to have a day off when they are little much less a few minutes off. As a single mom most of their growing years, God brought along the occasional loving person that would let me relax for a bit. The thing I remember the most was the mental release in those precious few times. Spending every waking minute thinking about and anticipating the path of little ones, where everyone is, what they are experiencing, who will influence them is mentally and physically exhausting. When we leave the house, we have to anticipate their needs and then proceed to pack the house to prepare for their needs.

You have to find ways to rest your body and mind. You will be a better parent. Form a co-op with other parents to take turns watching each others kids for free. (Side note: Be sure you know alot about someone you are leaving your kids with. There are alot of bad people out there pretending to be normal.) The church has opportunities for groups of parents to come together and usually they offer childcare.

You may be thinking, I have no one to help me, I can't get away. That is okay. I survived many years of that. There are still ways to steal downtime. Get up a bit early and have some quiet time with your Bible, God and really good cup of coffee or tea. After they go to bed, find an interest besides parenting to talk about on an online chat room or read a book. Take a long soothing bath with quiet music. Workout to a video in the livingroom. Anything to allow you to escape. You have to take care of yourself, because your children are not programed to give as much as they take.

God will sustain and restore you:
Psalm 62:1 "My soul finds rest in God alone"
Psalm 91:1 "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty."

If you are in a position to offer that release for a parent, do it. You will strengthen them as a family by allowing that parent to get some time to themselves.

My prayer is you will have some time to yourself in the next few days.
Blessings
Brenda

You will mess up

There comes a time in every parent's life when they mess up. (Now if you don't think you ever mess up, might I suggest you read my blog from 7/27 about being honest) I imagine most of us try really hard to be a good parent, but we are sinners too. We get overtired or overwhelmed, we get selfish, we get needy, we lose our temper. It is important to realize that God has already factored in your humanness. He does call us to do our best and if we are following the perfect will of God these sinful moments will be far fewer, but they will happen.

So there you are; you have wronged your child in some way. (Broken a promise of quality time, snapped at them in an ungracious way, ignored them, put your wants above their needs) Now what? You are their role model. Are they damaged for life? Have you managed to emotionally scar them so that you are what they blame all their future failings on? No. God causes all things for work together for good. He will mold your child into who He wants them to become.

Now that doesn't mean you are not responsible for your actions or lack there of. Use these opportunities to model repentance. Tell them what you believe you did wrong, ask them to forgive you and ask God to forgive you in their presence. It is important for them to see the healing power of God and the grace of forgiveness in action.

However, if you are trapped in a destructive pattern and are messing up the same way over and over, it may be time to get someone involved that can help you figure it out. The church is a good source for this. Many people on staff can work through issues with you. You can cause emotional and psychological damage to your child if you live trapped in a repetitive pattern of sin.

God is ultimately in control and loves you and your children more than even you do. He has their path already laid out and will help you raise them, sin and all.

Seek God, do your best, get help when you need it, and let go of your failures.
Bless you all
Brenda

Let your children fail.

When your child succeeds at something, do you feel a personal sense of accomplishment and pride? When your child does something wrong, do you feel like the whole world is pointing at you and saying 'bad mom' or 'bad dad'? You would be the exception if you didn't.

I remember the countless times I ran back home to get the left books, homework, lunch or whatever. The science projects that I helped with that were brought up the night before they were due (stop laughing: you know it is true, or you will if you haven't reached that point yet). I didn't want my child to be the only one without a project or a lame project. We want our children to take school, success and being responsible for themselves seriously. Well take it from someone who took way to long to figure this out. You are not helping when you help so much. Let your children fail sometimes.

Help them to be organized. Teach them the importance of being prepared. Set them up in everyway to succeed, then let them fail. It is the fastest way for them to learn a lesson. If they forget their book and have a consequence at school, or work on an assignment that they didn't bother to put back in the backpack and now it is late and worth less, they will feel it. It should be thier problem, not yours.

If you keep bailing them out they will need you to clean up their messes for the rest of their lives. They will develop that annoying sense of entitlement and laziness our teens these days are so known for. They must learn to own the problem.

If you think someone will think badly of you for not running to their aide everytime, so what. If you feel the imaginary glares of people judging you, it is mostly in your head. They aren't the ones who are personally responsible for helping that person become a mature, responsible adult. If they do have an opinion, again I say, who cares. Do what you know is right. It isn't about what people think of you, it is about the responsiblity that God has given you. He is the only accountablily you need.

Be sure to start early with this though. This lesson learned later can be much more costly and a difficult pattern for all of you to break.

Does anyone else have some experience with this? Join in on the conversation. This is a forum to share, not just a platform for me to pontificate.

Trustworthiness

Help your child learn the value of being a honorable person that can be trusted. While your children are little, be sure to say things like, "Don't say it if you don't mean to do it"; "You said you would do it so now you have to follow through". Read them Matt 5:37 "Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one."

Try this with your child to help give them a visual on trust. Get 3 blocks. Set a block on the table as you mention something trustworthy your child did like; put away their toys when they said they would, or turned off the TV after the show was over like they said they would. Then set another block next to it and say, "This is for watching your little sister like you promised, or taking out the trash when you promised." Take the 3rd block and set it on the foundation. Tell them, Since you've shown yourself to be trustworthy, I can trust you to ( Something they have been wanting to be trusted with) (Example: Make their own bedtime on Friday night. )"Because of the foundation of trust you laid I believe I can trust you to make good choices."

Now take away one of the foundation blocks so the top one falls. Tell them, "When you break that trust, it is very hard to trust you again." Try to put the third block back up by setting it on the edge of the remaining block so that it keeps falling down. "When you keep your promises, you are being honest and people believe you will do it again.

In the future, as they wrestle with the challenges of being trustworthy you can refer back to this visual to help them realize what they have done.

I have had many battles with my kids to honor their word over the years . When they lie or violate clear boundaries, they know that far worse than my punishment was my loss of trust in them. They would have to earn it back, losing privileges until they regained my trust. It was brutal on all of us but an extremely important battle to fight and win.

You can do it. Don't back down. Stand your ground and fight the good fight. Their integrity will be your reward.

This object lesson came from Gospel Light newsletters on Raising up Spiritual Champions.

God's presence in your child's life

This weekend I was at a gathering of people who were coming together to share the loss of the young man I told you about that died. What amazed me was the sheer number of people there. He had a huge family and dozens of friends that loved him and remembered good times, laughs and challenges that they had all experienced with him. We wished he had known how loved he was. If we had he may have not taken his life.

It is important that our children understand that God is always with them and around them. When they perceive that people have failed them (and they will from time to time), God is still there as an ally. Read them Psalm 139. Ask them open-ended questions that don't end in yes or no. Give them a chance to realize that nothing is hidden from God. He knows their thoughts and everything they do. He loves them more than you do and he wants what is best for them. Spend a good week or two just hanging out in this Psalm with them. Help them deeply internalize their value to God and how He is unchanging. This Psalm will always be true.

No matter if your child is socially comfortable or an introvert, it is imperative that they deeply sense God's commitment to them and His undying, unchanging love for them. This will get them through all that life throws at them.

Growing up, I was extremely shy, gawky looking and the target of much bullying. God's presence in my life got me through the darkest of times. There were times I was convinced that not another person on the planet cared for me, but knowing that God did made me slide deeper into a profound relationship with Him. We can't protect our children from all the experiences that lie ahead. The truths in this Psalm, if internalized, can get them through it all.

If you have little ones, make God's love and thoughts about them your matra. They should hear it out of your mouth as often as possible. As they do things, let them know that God already knew they were going to do it. If they behave badly, tell them God knows and wants to help them do better. Study this Psalm yourself and find ways each day to put it in terms your little one can understand.

My prayer goes out that all of you will succeed in helping your children grasp this wonderful truth. May the Holy Spirit guide your words and their hearts.
Blessings to you all
Brenda

Promises - Trustworthiness

2 Samuel 7:28 "You are God! Your words are trustworthy" We know that we can count on everything the God says to be truth. He is trustworthy. His yes is yes and His no is no. How about you? As your child's primary teacher, what are they learning from you about keeping your word. Sometimes you may be tempted to promise something just to pacify your child for the moment, but if you don't follow through with what you have promised, you are teaching your child that you don't have to mean what you say. Be careful what you promise or threaten. You should be prepared to do it. The hardest thing I ever did was follow through on a promise/consequence that I had told my oldest son. He had a particularly bad year in school. He was goofing off and not applying himself. I told him that the family was going to go to a Las Vegas resort right after school got out and that he would not be able to go if his teachers didn't report improvement in his attitude and grades. Sure enough with tears streaming I drove away with my other kids and left him with his Dad. I wanted all of them with me. We had only taken a few vacations since the divorce and I really wanted some great memory making that summer. I remember meeting with his dad before I made my final decision. He said, "you have to do it. He earned and you have to follow through with what you said". (You would have to know him to understand how ironic this moment was for me) But, he was right. It wasn't about the performance in school anymore, it was about being true to my word. Think before you lay down a consequence. Be prepared to enforce it. If you promise to go to a game, go! Now things happen beyond our control and children need to learn that also. If you don't make it to the afore mentioned game because the car broke or whatever, use this as a teachable moment. Children need to learn that not everything is within our control and that God is ultimately in control. All things work together for good, even missed games. Live with integrity, be trustworthy, be ready for teachable moments. WHAT A RIDE! PARENTING!

He will get you through

My heart is heavy this morning with the sad news of the death of one of my children's friends. He died early this morning of an intentional drug overdose. As I sit looking at my 20 year old crying daughter, who is only 2 weeks younger then him, I am thankful for who she is and how strong she has become. Never believe the statistics. They say that as soon as you're a single mom your kids are basically going to fall apart in every way. Bologna! God eats statistics for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He is every scientist's worse nightmare. The truth is your task is now going to be harder. It will be a bigger mountain to climb, and at times you will believe you can't possibly make it, but you can and you will! Keep your children in church every week and bible study with their peers, pray over them and with them, talk to them, and listen - listen - listen! You have to be a safe sounding board. I can't stress it enough. My kids have brought some serious issues to me over the years. My initial internal response would be "OH MY GOODNESS!!" but on the outside I keep calm and listen and answer questions. You won't do everything right. I promise, but God will fill in where you lack. He is faithful to the fervent prayer of His people. He will get you and them through.

Be still and know that I am God

Hello fellow journeyers,
In the blog yesterday I was talking about how important it is that we expose our children to prayer and allow them to wrestle with life and emotions with God. I shared part of my blog with my Facebook clan. The chairman of our church commented on what I said and I feel it warrants sharing. He said "it is also good to be still and just listen". Isn't that so true. Being still is a lost art form. Our children today feel that they need to be constantly stimulated by noise and activity. It is so challenging to help them just sit, linger, and listen when talking with God. To many it seems a task to check off a list instead of a meaningful exchange with the Almighty. We miss out on the exchange part when we don't linger. Take the time to schedule some quiet thinking time each day with your children. Help them learn to be still. If you don't, you could be robbing them of the opportunity to grow in deep and profound ways with God. You will more then likely meet with resistance, but persevere! Does anyone already do this? If so, share what you do in your family. We can all learn from each other. A few minutes of your time could have a meaningful impact on another parent.

Children and prayer

Teaching children to pray should become a natural extension of them watching you in prayer. Modeling prayer for children is one of the greatest ways to do it. They see you turn to the Lord with every praise and concern, and just genuinely want to be in His presence. This has a profound impact on them. Let's face it, kids are literal creatures. They want to know who you're talking to and where they are. Why can't they hear Him answer? What helps them accept what they can't see is your devotion to God and prayer. You are their first and best teacher. If they come to you with a problem tell them that we should ask God for guidance first and then we will talk it through. They need to start understanding that God is the power source and prayer is like plugging into the power first. You can't run a computer to get an answer if you don't first access a power source. Teaching them when they are real young to pray using a memorized prayer is okay to get a habit formed, but it is imperative early on that they talk to God about how they feel and questions they have. They need to say thank you when they have good things happen so they understand that God is intimately involved in all things. Share some of the traditions in teaching prayer to your kids that you have used. They can be funny moments in prayer with your children or just a meaningful experience. You may have hit some obstacles that you need to work through with the great parents on this blog.

A Much Earned Break

Some of you are experiencing an empty house this week. You have sent all your kids off to camp. What do you do with yourself now?! I found the first time I was alone, void of children, I didn't know what to do with myself. Might I suggest a few things. Make a plan to meet up with a few friends, read what you can of a book. If you are married, go out on a few dates, stare at the clean kitchen and take deep cleansing breaths. (Enjoy- after all they are back on Friday) Do nothing, do something! Maybe take a bit of time to think through how you can help your child come down from a mountain top experience and hold on to it as long as possible. Ask open-ended questions when they return like: "What bible verse do you remember from chapel"; "Did you experience something knew you never felt before?"; "How do you want to take what you experienced and use it this week?"; "Did you see anyone behave in a way that surprised you?" (Make this a teachable moment to process what they saw or heard) Children will tend to give you simple answers like fine and good when you ask how something was. If you ask more detailed and specific questions you will challenge them to process things on a more detailed level. I realize that most of you only had some of your children leave for camp, so not much is different. You are still the go-to person running around like crazy. I remember being there. The time alone with your returning campers will still bear fruit. Can anyone remember a camp experience as a child or adult that changed some part of them forever? Share your experiences.

Feelings

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Kid's feelings are very real to them. Instead of saying, "Don't feel that way," or "You're alright", Let them know that you are a safe person who is genuinely concerned about how they feel. What may seem trivial or an over reaction to us may feel very large and real to them. To demean their big feelings is to make them assume they cannot trust you as a safe person or that they most be wrong about feelings they have. Neither is a healthy option. Give your child an opportunity to safely express anger, disappointment, sadness, frustration or any other feeling. Set boundaries. Disrespect, even when upset, is unacceptable. Younger kids need help labeling what they are experiencing inside. Tell them, "It seems to me like that made you very angry (or ....)." As you allow them to talk about what they feel and help them put words to it, they will be more open to you throughout the challenges they are sure to face. People who have an open, honest character tend to have closer relationships and are happier overall. They share with people they trust and are able to work through difficulties. You have a tremendous influence in developing this trait in your kids. Help them develop an openness they can carry throughout life. Home should be a safe haven from teasing, criticizing or being made fun of. Share some rules that you have enforced in your home to combat the normal tendency for siblings verbal and sometimes physically abuse to each other.

Isn't tecnology great. I'm sitting on a boat in the middle of Big Bear lake watching my daughter fish and writing a blog to you. Sadly, all my grown kids couldn't come. Gone are the days of packing the house for every excursion. Vacations are alot of work but making memories is worth it. Share some of your adventures, questions or comments about adventures your family has experienced, fell free. This is your site.