Don't Throw the Child Away!

As your children grow you will meet many other children and their families. There will be children that misbehave or seem like a bad influence to your children. You can exercise your right to ween out those children when your kids are younger. Helping them size up peers and choosing close friends wisely is part of our job as parents. But what about the ones you are dismissing? Why are they the way they are. Most children exhibit behaviors as their way of telling you something in their world isn't right.

Don't be so quick to write them off. You may be in an instrumental position to accomplish 2 things. You may have come across a 'divine appointment' to offer light into a little life that is struggling for whatever reason. The second is you are offering opportunity to teach your children to be compassionate and world changers.

Of course, you must protect your children if the situation warrants it, but possibly you are set down in this situation to change this child's life forever.

What if your child is the one who is exhibiting behavior issues that you can't control. The same is true for them. They are trying to tell you something isn't right from their view. It may be how they are interpreting something they have heard or seen. Perhaps something has happened that they don't think they can tell you about. I have been through endless scenarios with my children and their friends. It is absolutely imperative that you immediately get to the root of the behavior. Don't call it a phase and hope it goes away.

Make talking about your feelings a family norm. Practice listening without judgement or punishment. Be a safe sounding board. If will pay off when something happens that they need to talk through. Don't ignore bad behavior, get to the bottom of it. Be willing to accept that maybe it is something you are doing that is being misinterpreted by your child or that you just shouldn't be doing. Seek the counsel of those you trust.

Don't dismiss those who cry out for help by their bad behavior. Don't leave them to be someone elses problem. I can personally vouch for the fact that you can make a difference just be showing you care, even if you never solve the problem yourself.

I love you's, Hugs and Kisses

Love is more than 'I love yous' and Hugs and kisses. Read through 1 Corinthians chapter 13:4-8. Help your children pick one evidence of love at a time and discover ways to show that kind of love to others. It is good for them to discover how layered and precious God designed love. God is love. It is important that our children focus on love while living in a world that bombards them with images of putting oneself first.

Find ways for your children to give of themselves at a young age. Help them to see the impact that caring for others can bring. As they get older they are more and more desensitized to what goes on around them. Keep them humanity all along the way. The rewards will be eternal.

Howe have you taught your children different aspects of this passage?
We would all love to learn from each other. It takes a village.
Blessings
Brenda

Words that cut or build

I was watching a movie (FAME)this weekend where a teen set out on a path, strongly believing in his ability to succeed. When his mother found out, she chastized him asking, "Who told you you would be able to succeed at this?" He said, "You did". The actor did an excellent job of portraying someone who was stabbed by his mother's doubts in his ability.

We have to remember that we, as parents, have a more powerful affect on our children then any other force. Especially in the developing years, our children learn trust, love, relationship rules, limits, develop (or don't develop) self confidence, and many, many more lessons.

We have to guard our words carefully. Encourage the talents emerging from your children as they grow. Make your little girls feel like empowered princesses and your sons like they are the kings of the world, but remember that they are human and will have natural limitations as well. It is okay to share with them that they can't do everything well. When they fail, assess if you feel it was from a lack of trying or natural limitations.

Help guide them as they discover who they are and what God has for them. Be sure to temper your responses, when negative. Deliver them in love. A successful format is to just ask the child/teen questions that force them to come the same conclusion that you would have proclaimed without discussion.

I remember when my daughter was in elementary, she wanted to be a singer. Believe me when I say, this was not a practical dream given the singing talent she was not born with. I told her that she should line up 2 or 3 dreams to pursue. As she got older and talent for singing didn't materialize, I finally sat her down and said, "Pick a different dream. God did not gift you for this one." She was upset that I would come right out and say it like that. I wish I had recorded her voice and had her critique herself against others who were blessed with that talent. It would have gone down smoother if she came to that conclusion herself. She thanks me these days for putting things straight back then. Still it would have been nice to have done it a more gentle way.

Watch what you say and how you say it. Our words can build up or cut down. Each morning pray that God will guard your words and your actions. God fills in where we lack. He loves our children more than we do. Trust Him to guide and co-parent with you.

Share your experiences with this in your life or with your kids. We learn from each other.

Blessings
Brenda

Step up

I had an interesting conversation with a volunteer one day that got me thinking. She was hearing from her children that many of them felt compelled to speak up when subject matter at school was brought up by teachers, that was contrary to scripture. At church we are working hard to train and teach our children what the Word of God says about how to live and what to stand for. The children wanted to know what to do when subjects like evolution were brought up as fact. They stated that they felt a strong urge to argue and defend their creation position. One child even stated that the teacher said they were not aloud to express their contrary opinion. (Which of course is not true)

The real question is just how much do you encourage your child to throw themselves in the mix. I personally believe that with support from parents, children can be empowered to stand for what is right in a respectful way. This can be an opportunity for your children to grow in their faith in a mighty way. Most of us agree that the way the curriculum is presented at most schools is wrong when it comes to the evolution/creation issue. Who knows which stand will tip the scales to allow a fair representation of creation in school. Maybe your child will be the one who is part of that change. Maybe you will. Stand for what is right. Empower your children to stand for the Lord.

MOPS Video: TOOOOOO CUTTTEEEE!

Check out the new MOPS video made by our own RHCC moms. Great job ladies!

http://www.rollinghillscovenant.com/women

The Pursuit of Empty, Unsatisfying Pleasure; Every Parent's Dream for Their Child?

Our children are growing up in a high stimulation society. If not careful, they can get caught up in making the pursuit of happiness their goal in life. Now this may not seem bad. What parent doesn't want their child to be happy?

Happiness is different than fun and pleasure. It’s a less intense, but more durable, feeling of well-being. It’s not a continuous state. A good life is usually seasoned with moments of joy and despair, play and work, success and failure. Happiness is a kind of emotional resting place of quiet satisfaction with one’s life.

The art of living a happy life is not having more of what you want but getting better at enjoying what you have.

We must help our children understand that the pursuit of happiness shouldn't be our goal, but it should be to dwell in the presence of the Lord. If we dwell with the Lord, our life will have deep meaningful purpose. This will lead to profound peace and deep indwelling happiness.

Society today is entrenched in immediate satisfaction and thrill. Help you children see the emptiness that only pursuing pleasure without purpose can lead to.

Bless you all.
Brenda

Recover or Repeat

How healthy was your house growing up? Were you blessed with nurturing relational parents that shared God's love with you and modeled how to parent appropriately? Well then stop reading right now and thank God for them.

However, if you weren't so blessed, you have a choice to make. You can recover from your families past examples or you are destined to repeat it with your kids. It will be hard to break those patterns of dysfunction. If you want to be the transitional generation rest assured it will take God's help and discipline on your part. If you don't, you will see the same dysfunction in your children when they are in relationships with their own family.

I am a transitional generation person. My family is dysfunctional as far back as we can gather data. Alcoholism, abuse, incest, codependency, divorces, incarceration. You name, my past generations are entrenched in it. However, God got a hold on my heart at a tender age and chose to break the pattern.

I have had to work hard to avoid some of the environmental programing I grew up with. However, it is paying off. Most of the dysfunction from my past family is not yet showing up in my kids. It is well worth taking the hit for your kids and doing the hardest work. Your children will be able to grow into healthy adults with families of their own. They will model healthy choices to their children and so on. You, with God by your side, will have changed to course of your family history.

Your legacy will be functional individuals that love the Lord and can relate to important people in their life in healthy ways.

Do the work! Do the work with God! We can help and He can help. Whatever you need to do, do it. Your children are counting on you to not repeat but to recover!

What are some of your battles with breaking through the dysfunctional patterns. Share it with us here in a comment or email me and we can talk it through. It is not to late to join the Confident Parenting class on Tuesday night. Much of this reflection is from the first chapter and last night's group time.

Bless you all for the journey you are on to create a legacy of your own.

Family 101

Give your kids a sense of family history with these activities.

* Draw a simple family tree. Start with your kids at the bottom and work up and out as far as you can. If it is big enough piece of paper, add pictures of family members as far back as you have them. (You might want to make photo copies of older photos to preserve the originals.)

* If your family has lived somewhere else, point out the locations on a map or globe.

* Tell stories about your extended family. Call, write, or e-mail family members and ask them to share favorite family stories. Write them down and put them in a 3-ring binder. Read these together to give your kids a sense of generations and history.

* Share what games you liked to play when you were a kid and play some with your kids.

* Create a rotating storyline. When I was young my mom's family did something called a "Round Robin". Each family member participating would put a letter of what was going on in their world into an envelope and send it to the next relative. That relative would leave the letter they received and add their own and send it the next. This would continue until the person who sent the first letter got back the packet. That person would remove their old letter and put in a new one. Clearly, this was back in 'snail mail' days, but you get the point. Come up with a systematic way to stay in touch. (Don't forget to include the kids. They can stay in touch with their cousins that way.)

Not all families are warm, fuzzy and safe. Of course, tailor this down to what will work for the family you were blessed with.

Until tomorrow. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. Deuteronomy 6:5-9

Learn the Word with Fun!

I just had the privelege of watching one of our more experienced volunteers tell the story of Shadrach, Meschah and Abednego and the firey furnace. I grinned the whole time. I was locked into what he was saying and doing. He brought the story to life. He acted it out with props and had the children join in. The children were laughing and engaged the entire time.

Afterward, he gave them each a Hot Tamale candy to remind them about the commitment to worship God that S, M and A experienced and gave them a Life Saver candy (gummy - watch out for choiking) to remind them that God saved S, M, and A. Now you know that from now on when they see Hot Tamale candy and Life Saver candy they will remember this story.

Find ways to tie everyday objects to Bible truths. A child's memory is very attached to visual cues. Have them create or act out a story and the drive-it-home truth that is to be learned. Have fun with it. Children learn with play, fun and visual cues.

Use your imagination (or if you don't have one- the internet) to explore God's Word with your children in meaningful and lasting ways.

The time they spend with you in the Word will be treasured for the rest of their life.

Hardworking encouragement

Make doing a good job a family affair. Post Proverbs 12:14 up somewhere. ("Well-done work has its own reward") Add notes when those in the family do their best, e.g., "Great job with the performance!" "Nice work on your spelling test." Get creative and have fun with it. Share with your kids what kinds of rewards you have received from doing your best in some kind of work.

Don't forget to reward effort and not just outcome. A child may have studied very hard for a test and gotten a "C" in a subject that is challenging for them. Help them not be discouraged by focusing in on how hard they worked and how they tried to do their best.

I have heard of some families that make memorizing scripture a family affair. They write a scripture across the top of the bathroom mirror and challenge and practice with each other to memorize it. Make it fun.

Blessings to you all
Enjoy your kids
Brenda

Parents Take There Kids Back!

Our Tuesday night Bible Study for families was packed. What a wonderful testimony to a generation of parents that have taken on the charge to raise their children up in the Lord. Making the commitment that Bible Study is more important than all the other extra-curricular options out there.

I hear in the ministry circles out there that this is generation of parents that have turned over responsibility to the church to guide their children in spiritual matters. The truth is our time at church is such a small amount of time with them that it is imperative that parents take that cross back and you are.

All throughout the Bible it talks about children learning about God from their parents not the church. Well I have good news for you. The tide is shifting!

You are among a generation that is changing the attitude of parenting responsibilities. You are taking back your God given duty and taking raising your children to be Spiritual Champions seriously. If you always have been that parent, then you are a shining model for others to follow. Talk to other parents and encourage them.

I am proud to be part of a church of parents who are strong and willing to do the day in and out job of disciplining their children. Your children will be able to withstand the storm that is brewing. They WILL have to face what comes. We can't protect them from it, but we can prepare them for it.

It is our honor to be part of your Children's Ministry. Anything we can do to help you, please don't hesitate to ask.

I am proud of all of you. You will fall short from time to time. Do not despair. God has already adjusted for where we lack. Surrender and live in faith. God is in control and He is a very Big God.

Switch "No's" to "Yes"

It is easy to find oneself saying, "No!" to nearly everything a toddler and an older child does. But rather than fall into a "no" pattern that makes little sense to your child and creates constant irritation for you, take some time to determine what your essential house rules should be. It may help to write them down and discuss them with other family members so that everyone can help your child understand what rules apply around the house.

*Physical safety issues (staying in the yard) and family routines (bedtimes) need a few basic rules. For instance, "We play in the yard." "We keep the gate closed." "We are going to take a nap now. It's nap time."

* When you state a rule to your child, do your best to state it positively.(Children often don't hear the "don't" part of a rule and instead act on what they did hear, thus doing just what you said not to do!) help a child understand why, even at this age. (It's good practice for later years when your child will ask, "Why?" constantly!) For example, rather than, "Don't touch the cord!" try, "The cord stays in the wall. It can hurt your hand if you touch it.

*Toddlers will test you. This does not mean you need to change the house rules. A child needs to know that you and your rules are a sure thing. A child gains comfort and security in knowing what you expect and what comes next. Rules help a child make sense of his or her world.

Be consistent and keep it simple.

Excerpts from Smart pages: Gospel light

Hardwork is hardly hard if you work it out.

Our children have to be encouraged to be hard workers. Encourage them to do their best and not give up when things get tough.

For little ones, help them learn to use their words instead of misbehavior to tell you when a job is too hard so you can help them make it easier. Find ways to make it fun like; singing while the work, racing, or moving like a robot, etc.

For older ones, have them think through what part of their homework is too hard. Arrange for review or backing up and filling in the holes. Have them be sure to get more information about the assignment ahead of time. You may need to work out a communication system between you and your child's teachers. Note pads or planners are really good for this. Allow them to take 5 minute breaks. Put them in an area with fewer distractions, turn off the TV, etc.

When it comes to chores, they may just not want to do it. Find out why. Maybe you want them to clean their room during the only show they look forward to each week, maybe they are lazy or feel entitled to not have to do it. Find the source of their reluctance and start to deal with that first.

If it is laziness or entitlement share scripture with them and ask them, "What if mom decided she didn't want to make dinner or pack you a lunch?" "How would that be?" Help them to think beyond themselves to how they affect the bigger picture and how their contribution helps others. (Proverbs 10:4, 13:4, 20:4) Be sure to share with them positive things about how their accomplished chore is appreciated and why.

If it is a timing thing, discuss a possible compromise or at least an explaination as to why it has to happen at that time. Children need to learn that sacrifice is part of life, but if the time is not locked consider working something out.

Mostly, don't get discouraged. It takes a long time to train a child to be a hardworker. Commit this to the Lord and push forward. Ultimately, it is God who is in control of your child's path, not you. You are His tool, so just be prayerful and faithfully available.

Drive the lesson Home

Hi to all our great parents,

I just want to take a moment to remind you all that we have follow up activities for you to do at home to reinforce the weekend lessons. I have provided the link below for you to access it. Children learn more when they are exposed to the same concept over and over. Reinforce it throughout the week to drive the lesson into thier long term memory.

http://www.rollinghillscovenant.com/images/stories/documents/WL%20Sept%2009.pdf


Here is a funny lady that seems to understand the average day of a mom. Sit back and prepare to chuckle

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXgoJ0f5EsQ

Enjoy this Lord's day with your family. Cherish the moments you have with them before they are gone.
Blessings

Brenda

To all of us was given gifts by God. We were assigned a measure of faith: Romans 12:3; and spiritual gifts: Romans 12:6-8.

God has set us up to be able to teach and train our children according to His will. We start out unable to do it alone. We need Him and each other. Find your village to raise your children. Surround yourself with good people and a good church. God will raise your child according to His plan and despite you not being "super parent" .

Rest in His ability to fill in where you lack. Depending on and needing Him is where amazing things happen.

However, He does command we carry out Romans 12:9-19. Look it up. Live it, teach it to your kids. These are clearly expected of all of us despite our gifts..

It takes a village to raise a child. Let RHCC be part of your village. I am very excited about Tuesday nights at church. Check it out. We want to partner with you to help you raise a Godly child.

Blessing

Brenda

Working Hard or Hardly Working

No I'm definitely not talking about the parents. Working hard is never hardly working with us. I am talking about your children. Now that they are heading back to school we enter the wonderful world of juggling chores and homework. UUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH! Wouldn't it be great if kids came wired to work hard and stick with something until it was finished. Here are some helpful tips from the people at Gospel Light publications.

* Break the task down into little bites. For example, when loading the dishwasher, divide the task into glasses, bowls, plates, silverware, etc. Teach your child to complete a small task and then say to himself/herself, "What's next?"

* Schedule breaks. Decide upfront at what points in the project you'll take 5 minute breaks. Use a timer. Just knowing that a break is coming can keep you working.

*Lighten the load by having someone join you in the task. It can make the project manageable and even fun. Make a game or contest out of it. Only play a favorite CD during unpleasant tasks to lighten the air.

*When the task is done, say, "Doesn't it feel good to complete a job?" Remind them next time how good if felt to finish the last job.

I know that there is a school of thought out there that goes the sticker chart route when trying to encourage self direction. Just a small warning: if you are giving rewards for accomplishing tasks (So many stickers gets you a treat, etc.), you will lose the progress when you stop the process. Instead, I would recommend focusing on internal reward. Help them feel good about themselves for their accomplishment. Remind them that God is pleased with them and that we should do our best to glorify Him. If they are only doing something to get something they will always need to be rewarded or they will quit.

I know those of you reading this have had many experiences with success and failure in this area. Share some of those with us so we can learn from each other. If you don't want to share in an open forum like this, feel free to email it to me and I will share your thoughts without identifying you.

Colossians 3:23 "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men."

Blessings
Brenda

Free downloads

This is a great site for getting free materials to use in teaching your children about Biblical principals. Enjoy! Click on the link at the bottom right of this web page or click on the link listed here.

http://www.rose-publishing.com/client/client_pages/premiums/generic_landing.cfm

Make your own recipe

Lately, I have taken to creating my own recipes in the kitchen. You still have to follow basic rules, like you can add different ingredient to a chicken dish, but you still have to cook the meat through. Children are suppose to turn out with different 'flavors' or personalities. They may be human, and were raised by the same person, and have had the same Godly principals delivered to them, but everything else should be unique to who they are and who God has for them to become. There is no "one size fits all" formula.

Have you noticed that some strategies work on one child but not the other? It is okay to have a different response to different children. God made them unique. God does this with us. We may be sitting in the same sermon with 100's of people, but each will receive what they needed from the Lord. Sometimes it will be encouragement, sometimes reprimand, other times it might be enlightenment. God takes who we are and where we are in our development into consideration when He interacts with us. We need to do the same for our kids.

It is okay to have different approaches and consequences for different kids in the same house. Equity is not a requirement. Your children will complain if they see a different consequence to a sibling for the same offense. Hold your ground and do what is best for that child. I would send one child to their room for something, because it was torturous for him not to be in the middle of action. If I did that to one of my other sons he would love it. He loved being by himself in his room. I had to discover what he really valued and remove that. As a side note: what works today may not work later. Kids change. Change your tactics with them.

Talk to other parents, surround yourself with support and keep learning. God is ultimately in control and is raising those children through you. Do your best and God will take care of the rest.

Bless you for being willing to take the journey.
Brenda

Forgiving can be a 4 letter word

How many of you know that when you make your child say sorry to someone after an offense, that they are actually thinking is "I'm NOT sorry!". Kids will say what they are made to say, but a heart of true forgiveness is a journey.

Forgiveness is a tough concept for even adults to handle, much less kids. However, as parents it is imperative that we do what we can to consistently share core virtues and values with our kids.

It is okay to have your real young ones say the words after they have wronged someone. However, it is important to intentionally teach them when you aren't in the heat of a moment. Use stuffed animals or dolls to have a fight. One says, "I'm sorry", and the other says, "I forgive you". Hand off the dolls to the child and have them reenact it. Of course, you can continuously share how God feels about forgiveness, love and compassion with them. (Mark 11:25-26; Colossians 3:13; Matthew 6:14-15 and many, many more)

As kids get older it is important to teach them understanding and compassion. Help them reflect on what has happened that needs forgiveness. If someone has wronged them that they need to forgive, help them to imagine what is happening in the other person's life. Now granted, sometimes it is just sin rearing its ugly head, but sometimes people act up because of trials and difficulties in their life. Help the child to try and think beyond themselves. Model this as well. For example: If someone is speeding and cuts you off, instead of getting angry at them, talk to your kids in the car about how that person may have just learned of a loved one at the hospital and isn't thinking clearly. They may come home angry about a bully at school. Share with them that perhaps something upsetting is happening at home that he doesn't know how to deal with. We must teach children to think of others with compassion. Lead your child in prayer for the one that has wronged them.

You can also help them act out stories or use paper cut outs to talk through great forgiveness stories in the Bible like Genesis 37-50(Joseph), and Luke 15:11-32(Prodical son).

Get them involved in community and missionary projects. This furthers their understanding of compassion and thinking of others over themselves.

Remind them that not forgiving is a sin. Ask them how they feel when someone does or doesn't forgive them. Remind them that God has forgiven them for so much. Remind them that an unforgiving heart grows angry.(Prov 10:12)

Sometimes, we are wronged by others who aren't sorry and don't care if you forgive them. In these cases it is time to teach our children that God is in control of all circumstances. They did what they could and have to leave the rest in His hands.

Wow, no wonder this is a tough lesson. There are so many facets to it. However, God is parenting with you. Pray during situations that He will guide you as you guide your kids. He has their development planned out. We are only called on to get in there and do it.

By the way, I forgive you if you don't comment on this blog. :) JK

Brenda

Anger identifies a problem

This came in this morning to my email and I thought it was well worth sharing. You can sign up to receive these parenting tips to your email by going to: www.biblicalparenting.org

Use Anger to Spark Creativity

We say, "Anger is good for identifying problems but not good for solving them." Once you become aware of a problem, look for a more creative and productive way to solve it. When parents choose to reflect only anger, they limit themselves dramatically. Families benefit when they experiment with other emotional options as well.

Marilyn surprised her eight-year-old son after he put his feet on the table during dinner. She felt angry, but she chose to respond differently. "Do you know what the Bible says about beautiful feet?" she asked in a playful tone.

Expecting a harsh response the boy was shocked by his mother's question and curious about the answer. "No," he replied with question in his voice.

"The Bible says, 'Beautiful are the feet of them who bring good news.' Now I have some good news for you. Dessert is only served to those whose feet are under the table." Marilyn made her point and she didn't have to use anger to do it. During dessert, several minutes after the previous incident, she made a passing request, "Please don’t put your feet on this table."

Her son responded, "Okay."

This mom avoided what could have been an ugly scene by exercising some restraint on her anger and responding in a wise way. By stopping each time you feel angry and evaluating the situation, you can use anger to point out problems and then choose another strategy for your response.

This parenting tip comes from our book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids.
_____________________________________________________

One of the hardest things we can do as a parent is to not respond in anger. This only puts the child on the defense. Once in defensive mode no learning happens except how to be better at being defensive.

The part of this tip that makes me chuckle is the part where the child is suprised by the parent's response. Don't think for one moment your sweet little child is not capable of doing something just to get a rise out of you. There is a great deal of wisdom in not being predictable. Keeping relocating your buttons. It makes it harder for them to push them.

By the way, if you have a problem with anger, get help. It is one of the most destructive emotions for you and your children. Seek counseling or join Celebrate Recovery. Yes, Celebrate Recovery is for all problems that have a hold on you, not just addictions. There are currently some people in the RHCC Celebrate Recovery that are only there to work out their anger issues. They will understand where you are and where you need to be.